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‘Take Your Fobbit To Work Day’ Ends In Newfound Respect, 27 Wounded In Action
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN — Pentagon sources were proud to announce the success of a new, yearly event which allowed Fobbits — service-members who spend their entire tour on Forward Operating Base — the...
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Entire Military Comes Out Of Closet, Confirms They Are All Gay
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events in light of the Supreme Court striking down parts of the Defense of Marriage Act as unconstitutional, the entire United States military has confirmed...
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VFW Opens Membership To Military Fakers Due To Lack Of Interest From Young...
KANSAS CITY, MO – In an unprecedented response to dwindling membership ranks, the Veterans of Foreign Wars have extended eligibility to military fakers. According to officials, people who fake military...
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Military Uses Miley Cyrus Performance To ‘Crush Soul’ Of Al Qaeda
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the infamous Miley Cyrus performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, U.S. military psychological units have been broadcasting the video to every known Al Qaeda operative...
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Soldier Writes Letter To NFL Player Who Bashed ‘Unskilled’ Military
Dear Mr. Football Player, I saw on Twitter you think it’s easy and takes no skills to kill people. Well, let me tell you this. It takes mad skills and madder smarts to be an infantryman. Everyone...
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Pentagon Scraps ‘Lightsaber’ Weapons Program After Gross Misconduct, Numerous...
BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — A top secret weapons development program has been scrapped after countless allegations of misconduct and numerous injuries were sustained by soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan,...
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Female Officer Acquitted For Sexual Relationship With Enlisted Female Because...
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After a month long trial, 1st Lt. Summer Lovejoy has been found not guilty of numerous charges stemming from an illicit love affair with an 18-year-old female Private under her...
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Soldier Excitedly Posts Career-Ending Picture To Facebook
FORT MCCOY — A soldier eager for an early discharge from the military posted what he hoped would be a career ending picture to his Facebook profile, sources confirmed today. With three years left on...
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Fred Phelps Surprised To Discover Heaven Is ‘Really Goddamn Hot’
THE AFTERLIFE — Following his death on Wednesday, controversial pastor Fred Phelps was surprised to learn that heaven was much hotter than he imagined it would be, Duffel Blog has learned. Phelps, the...
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Superman Rejected For Military Service Since He’s An Illegal Alien
OCEANSIDE, Calif. — Despite being the most overqualified candidate ever to volunteer, Superman has been rejected for Army service because he’s an illegal alien, Duffel Blog has learned. When he walked...
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$387 Billion Congressional Study Proves ‘Pen Not Mightier Than The Sword’
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly released study conducted by Congress has proven once and for all that the pen is not mightier than the sword. Over a year long period, Special Operation Forces (SOF) serving...
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Soldier Extends For Ninth Consecutive Tour Because She ‘Likes To Feel Pretty’
BAGRAM AIRFIELD — A female Army private is proud to receive some recognition today, after media outlets learned that she holds the record for longest-serving soldier in Afghanistan. Private Amanda...
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Soldier Asks Black Army Buddy To Be Best Man At Wedding, KY Community Stunned
HARLAN COUNTY, KY — A blatantly racist soldier is being praised for what civil rights activists are calling an ‘enormous leap forward’ in race relations. The former junior KKK member, Private First...
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Military Bans Tobacco Products To Improve Combat Effectiveness In Afghanistan
BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — The Pentagon is unveiling a new policy banning tobacco products for most troops in Afghanistan that planners believe will improve combat effectiveness. “We are always trying to...
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Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial
WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today. The two-minute ad...
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